101 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The PilotThe Uncut Version)
[Scene Central Perk Chandler Joey Phoebe and Monica are there]
Monica There's nothing to tell He's just some guy I work with
Joey C'mon you're going out with the guy There's gotta be something wrong with him
Chandler All right Joey be nice So does he have a hump A hump and a hairpiece
Phoebe Wait does he eat chalk
(They all stare bemused)
Phoebe Just 'cause I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl oh
Monica Okay everybody relax This is not even a date It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex
Chandler Sounds like a date to me
[Time Lapse]
Chandler Alright so I'm back in high school I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria and I realize I am totally naked
All Oh yeah Had that dream
Chandler Then I look down and I realize there's a phone there
Joey Instead of
Chandler That's right
Joey Never had that dream
Phoebe No
Chandler All of a sudden the phone starts to ring Now I don't know what to do everybody starts looking at me
Monica And they weren't looking at you before
Chandler Finally I figure I'd better answer it and it turns out it's my mother which is veryvery weird because she never calls me
[Time Lapse Ross has entered]
Ross (mortified) Hi
Joey This guy says hello I wanna kill myself
Monica Are you okay sweetie
Ross I just feel like someone reached down my throat grabbed my small intestine pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck
Chandler Cookie
Monica (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today
Joey Ohh
Monica (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee
Ross Thanks
Phoebe Ooh Oh (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross)
Ross No no don't Stop cleansing my aura No just leave my aura alone okay
Phoebe Fine Be murky
Ross I'll be fine alright Really everyone I hope she'll be very happy
Monica No you don't
Ross No I don't to hell with her she left me
Joey And you never knew she was a lesbian
Ross No Okay Why does everyone keep fixating on that She didn't know how should I know
Chandler Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian (They all stare at him) Did I say that out loud
Ross I told mom and dad last night they seemed to take it pretty well
Monica Oh really so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 300 AM I'll never have grandchildren I'll never have grandchildren was what A wrong number
Ross Sorry
Joey Alright Ross look You're feeling a lot of pain right now You're angry You're hurting Can I tell you what the answer is
(Ross gestures his consent)
Joey Strip joint C'mon you're single Have some hormones
Ross I don't want to be single okay I just I just I just wanna be married again
(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room)
Chandler And I just want a million dollars (He extends his hand hopefully)
Monica Rachel
Rachel Oh God Monica hi Thank God I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are you are
Waitress Can I get you some coffee
Monica (pointing at Rachel) Decaff (to All) Okay everybody this is Rachel another Lincoln High survivor (to Rachel) This is everybody this is Chandler and Phoebe and Joey and you remember my brother Ross
Rachel Hi sure
Ross Hi
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens He sits back down defeated again A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain)
Monica So you wanna tell us now or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids
Rachel Oh God well it started about a half hour before the wedding I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents and I was looking at this gravy boat This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat When all of a sudden (to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry And then I got really freaked out and that's when it hit me how much Barry looks like Mr Potato Head Y'know I mean I always knew looked familiar but Anyway I just had to get out of there and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this and who am I doing this for' (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where to go and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city
Monica Who wasn't invited to the wedding
Rachel Ooh I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue [Scene Monica's Apartment everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on]
Monica Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ and she's really not happy about it
Chandler (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad Decide
Ross (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having
Rachel (on phone) Daddy I just I can't marry him I'm sorry I just don't love him Well it matters to me
(The scene on TV has changed to show two women one is holding her hair)
Phoebe If I let go of my hair my head will fall off Chandler (re TV) Ooh she should not be wearing those pants Joey I say push her down the stairs Phoebe Ross Chandler and Joey Push her down the stairs Push her down the stairs Push her down the stairs
(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers)
Rachel C'mon Daddy listen to me It's like it's like all of my life everyone has always told me 'You're a shoe You're a shoe you're a shoe you're a shoe' And today I just stopped and I said 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe What if I wanna be a a purse y'know Or a or a hat No I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat I'm saying I am a ha It's a metaphor Daddy
Ross You can see where he'd have trouble
Rachel Look Daddy it's my life Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica
Monica Well I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica
Rachel Well maybe that's my decision Well maybe I don't need your money Wait Wait I said maybe
[Time Lapse Rachel is breating into a paper bag]
Monica Just breathe breathe that's it Just try to think of nice calm things Phoebe (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her) bluebells and sleighbells and something with mittens La la la lasomething and noodles with string These are a few
Rachel I'm all better now
Phoebe (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey) I helped
Monica Okay look this is probably for the best y'know Independence Taking control of your life The whole 'hat' thing
Joey (comforting her) And hey you need anything you can always come to Joey Me and Chandler live across the hall And he's away a lot
Monica Joey stop hitting on her It's her wedding day
Joey What like there's a rule or something
(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it)
Chandler Please don't do that again it's a horrible sound
Paul (over the intercom) It's uh it's Paul
Monica Oh God is it 630 Buzz him in
Joey Who's Paul
Ross Paul the Wine Guy Paul
Monica Maybe Joey Wait Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy
Ross He finally asked you out
Monica Yes
Chandler Ooh this is a Dear Diary moment
Monica Rach wait I can cancel
Rachel Please no go that'd be fine
Monica (to Ross) Are are you okay I mean do you want me to stay
Ross (choked voice) That'd be good
Monica (horrified) Really
Ross (normal voice) No go on It's Paul the Wine Guy
Phoebe What does that mean Does he sell it drink it or just complain a lot (Chandler doesn't know)
(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul)
Monica Hi come in Paul this is (They are all lined up next to the door) everybody everybody this is Paul
All Hey Paul Hi The Wine Guy Hey
Chandler I'm sorry I didn't catch your name Paul was it
Monica Okay ummumm I'll justI'll be right back I just gotta go ah go ah
Ross A wandering
Monica Change Okay sit down (Shows Paul in) Two seconds
Phoebe Ooh I just pulled out four eyelashes That can't be good
(Monica goes to change)
Joey Hey Paul
Paul Yeah
Joey Here's a little tip she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red
Monica (yelling from the bedroom) Shut up Joey
Ross So Rachel what're you uh what're you up to tonight
Rachel Well I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon so nothing
Ross Right you're not even getting your honeymoon God No no although Aruba this time of year talk about your (thinks) big lizards Anyway if you don't feel like being alone tonight Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture
Chandler (deadpan) Yes and we're very excited about it
Rachel Well actually thanks but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight It's been kinda a long day
Ross Okay sure
Joey Hey Pheebs you wanna help
Phoebe Oh I wish I could but I don't want to
Commercial Break
[Scene The Subway Phoebe is singing for change]
Phoebe (singing) Love is sweet as summer showers love is a wondrous work of art but your love oh your love your loveis like a giant pigeoncrapping on my heart Lalalalala (some guy gives her some change and to that guy) Thank you (sings) Lalalalaohhh
[Scene Ross's Apartment the guys are there assembling furniture]
Ross (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things using a bunch of these little worm guys I have no brackety thing I see no whim guys whatsoever and I cannot feel my legs
(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase)
Joey I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here
Chandler It's a beautiful thing
Joey (picking up a leftover part) What's this
Chandler I would have to say that is an 'L'shaped bracket
Joey Which goes where
Chandler I have no idea
(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant)
Joey Done with the bookcase
Chandler All finished
Ross (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer She always drank it out of the can I should have known
Joey Heyheyheyhey if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here
Chandler Yes please don't spoil all this fun
Joey Ross let me ask you a question She got the furniture the stereo the good TV what did you get
Ross You guys
Chandler Oh God
Joey You got screwed
Chandler Oh my God
[Scene A Restaurant Monica and Paul are eating]
Monica Oh my God
Paul I know I know I'm such an idiot I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week I mean how clean can teeth get
Monica My brother's going through that right now he's such a mess How did you get through it
Paul Well you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers say her
Monica leg
Paul (laughing) That's one way Me I I went for the watch
Monica You actually broke her watch Wow The worst thing I ever did was II shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel
Paul Ooh steer clear of you
Monica That's right [Scene Monica's Apartment Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing]
Rachel Barry I'm sorry I am so sorry I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on but it isn't it isn't it's about me and I ju (She stops talking and dials the phone) Hi machine cut me off again anywaylook look I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs Barry Finkel but it isn't me it's not me And not that I have any idea who me is right now but you just have to give me a chance too (The maching cuts her off again and she redials)
[Scene Ross's Apartment Ross is pacing while Joey and Chandler are working on some more furniture]
Ross I'm divorced I'm only 26 and I'm divorced
Joey Shut up
Chandler You must stop (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses)
Ross That only took me an hour
Chandler Look Ross you gotta understand between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento You however have had the love of a woman for four years Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out and that is why we don't do it I don't think that was my point
Ross You know what the scariest part is What if there's only one woman for everybody y'know I mean what if you get one woman and that's it Unfortunately in my case there was only one woman for her
Joey What are you talking about 'One woman' That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you Lemme tell you something Ross There's lots of flavors out there There's Rocky Road and Cookie Dough and Bing Cherry Vanilla You could get 'em with Jimmies or nuts or whipped cream This is the best thing that ever happened to you You got married you were like what eight Welcome back to the world Grab a spoon
Ross I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny
Chandler Stay out of my freezer [Scene A Restaurant Monica and Paul are still eating]
Paul Ever since she walked out on me I uh
Monica What What you wanna spell it out with noodles
Paul No it's it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation
Monica Oh so there is gonna be a fifth date
Paul Isn't there
Monica Yeah yeah I think there is What were you gonna say
Paul Well everev ever since she left me um I haven't been able to uh perform (Monica takes a sip of her drink) Sexually
Monica (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God oh God I am sorry I am so sorry
Paul It's okay
Monica I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now Um how long
Paul Two years
Monica Wow I'mI'mI'm glad you smashed her watch
Paul So you still think you um might want that fifth date
Monica (pause)Yeah Yeah I do
[Scene Monica's Apartment Rachel is watching Joanne Loves Chaci]
Priest on TV We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles ChachiChachiChachi Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony
Rachel Ohsee but Joanne loved Chachi That's the difference
[Scene Ross's Apartment they're all sitting around and talking]
Ross (scornful) Grab a spoon Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon Do the words 'Billy don't be a hero' mean anything to you
Joey Great story But I uh I gotta go I got a date with AndreaAngelaAndrea Oh man (looks to Chandler)
Chandler Angela's the screamer Andrea has cats
Joey Right Thanks It's June I'm outta here (Exits)
Ross Y'know here's the thing Even if I could get it together enough to to ask a woman out who am I gonna ask (He gazes out of the window)
[Cut to Rachel staring out of her window]
Commercial Break
[Scene Monica's Apartment Rachel is making coffee for Joey and Chandler]
Rachel Isn't this amazing I mean I have never made coffee before in my entire life
Chandler That is amazing
Joey Congratulations
Rachel Y'know I figure if I can make coffee there isn't anything I can't do
Chandler If can invade Poland there isn't anything I can't do
Joey Listen while you're on a roll if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something (Joey and Chandler taste the coffee grimace and pour it into a plant pot) Although actually I'm really not that hungry
Monica (entering to herself) Oh good Lenny and Squigy are here
All Morning Good morning
Paul (entering from Monica's room) Morning
Joey Morning Paul
Rachel Hello Paul
Chandler Hi Paul is it
(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that they can)
Paul Thank you Thank you so much
Monica Stop
Paul No I'm telling you last night was like umm all my birthdays both graduations plus the barn raising scene in Witness
Monica We'll talk later
Paul Yeah (They kiss) Thank you (Exits)
Joey That wasn't a real date What the hell do you do on a real date
Monica Shut up and put my table back
All Okayyy (They do so)
Chandler All right kids I gotta get to work If I don't input those numbers it doesn't make much of a difference
Rachel So like you guys all have jobs
Monica Yeah we all have jobs See that's how we buy stuff
Joey Yeah I'm an actor
Rachel Wow Would I have seen you in anything
Joey I doubt it Mostly regional work
Monica Oh wait wait unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio at the little theater in the park
Joey Look it was a job all right
Chandler 'Look Gippetto I'm a real live boy'
Joey I will not take this abuse (Walks to the door and opens it to leave)
Chandler You're right I'm sorry (Burst into song and dances out of the door) Once I was a wooden boy a little wooden boy
Joey You should both know that he's a dead man Oh Chandler (Starts after Chandler) Monica So how you doing today Did you sleep okay Talk to Barry I can't stop smiling
Rachel I can see that You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth
Monica I know he's just so so Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco
Rachel Oh yeah
Monica Well it's like that With feelings
Rachel Oh wow Are you in trouble
Monica Big time
Rachel Want a wedding dress Hardly used
Monica I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here Okay Okay I am just going to get up go to work and not think about him all day Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work
Rachel Oh look wish me luck
Monica What for
Rachel I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job things
(Monica exits)
[Scene Iridium Monica is working as Frannie enters]
Frannie Hey Monica
Monica Hey Frannie welcome back How was Florida
Frannie You had sex didn't you
Monica How do you do that
Frannie Oh I hate you I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through Parrot Jungle and you're having sex So Who
Monica You know Paul
Frannie Paul the Wine Guy Oh yeah I know Paul
Monica You mean you know Paul like I know Paul
Frannie Are you kidding I take credit for Paul Y'know before me there was no snap in his turtle for two years
[Scene Central Perk everyone but Rachel is there]
Joey (sitting on the arm of the couch)Of course it was a line
Monica Why Why Why why would anybody do something like that
Ross I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'
Monica I hate men I hate men
Phoebe Oh no don't hate you don't want to put that out into the universe
Monica Is it me Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear
Phoebe All right c'mere gimme your feet (She starts massaging them)
Monica I just thought he was nice y'know
Joey (bursts out laughing again) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line
(Monica pushes him off of the sofa as Rachel enters with a shopping bag)
Rachel Guess what
Ross You got a job
Rachel Are you kidding I'm trained for nothing I was laughed out of twelve interviews today
Chandler And yet you're surprisingly upbeat
Rachel You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale fifty percent off
Chandler Oh how well you know me
Rachel They're my new 'I don't need a job I don't need my parents I've got great boots' boots
Monica How'd you pay for them
Rachel Uh credit card
Monica And who pays for that
Rachel Um my father
[Scene Monica and Rachel's everyone is sitting around the kitchen table Rachel's credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of scissors]
Rachel Oh God come on you guys is this really necessary I mean I can stop charging anytime I want
Monica C'mon you can't live off your parents your whole life
Rachel I know that That's why I was getting married
Phoebe Give her a break it's hard being on your own for the first time
Rachel Thank you
Phoebe You're welcome I remember when I first came to this city I was fourteen My mom had just killed herself and my stepdad was back in prison and I got here and I didn't know anybody And I ended up living with this albino guy who was like cleaning windshields outside port authority and then he killed himself and then I found aromatherapy So believe me I know exactly how you feel
(Pause)
Ross The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'
Monica All right you ready
Rachel No No no I'm not ready How can I be ready Hey Rach You ready to jump out the airplane without your parachute Come on I can't do this
Monica You can I know you can
Rachel I don't think so
Ross Come on you made coffee You can do anything (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from that morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it)
Ross C'mon cut Cut cut cut
All Cut cut cut cut cut cut cut (She cuts one of them and they cheer)
Rachel Y'know what I think we can just leave it at that It's kinda like a symbolic gesture
Monica Rachel That was a library card
All Cut cut cut cut cut cut cut
Chandler (as Rachel is cutting up her cards) Y'know if you listen closely you can hear a thousand retailers scream
(She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer)
Monica Welcome to the real world It sucks You're gonna love it
[Time Lapse Rachel and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day by playing the national anthem]
Monica Well that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash on the couch
Ross No No I gotta go home sometime
Monica You be okay
Ross Yeah
Rachel Hey Mon look what I just found on the floor (Monica smiles) What
Monica That's Paul's watch You just put it back where you found it Oh boy Alright Goodnight everybody
Ross and Rachel Goodnight
(Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her room)
Ross Mmm (They both reach for the last cookie) Oh no
Rachel Sorry
Ross No no no go
Rachel No you have it really I don't want it
Ross Split it
Rachel Okay
Ross Okay (They split it) You know you probably didn't know this but back in high school I had a um major crush on you
Rachel I knew
Ross You did Oh I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother
Rachel I did
Ross Oh Listen do you think and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out Sometime Maybe
Rachel Yeah maybe
Ross Okay okay maybe I will
Rachel Goodnight
Ross Goodnight
(Rachel goes into her room and Monica enters the living room as Ross is leaving)
Monica See ya Waitwait what's with you
Ross I just grabbed a spoon (Ross exits and Monica has no idea what that means)
Closing Credits
[Scene Central Perk everyone is there]
Joey I can't believe what I'm hearing here
Phoebe (sings) I can't believe what I'm hearing here
Monica What II said you had a
Phoebe (sings) What I said you had
Monica (to Phoebe) Would you stop
Phoebe Oh was I doing it again
All Yes
Monica I said that you had a nice butt it's just not a great butt
Joey Oh you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and bit ya
Ross There's an image
Rachel (walks up with a pot of coffee) Would anybody like more coffee
Chandler Did you make it or are you just serving it
Rachel I'm just serving it
All Yeah Yeah I'll have a cup of coffee
Chandler Kids new dream I'm in Las Vegas (Rachel sits down to hear Chandler's dream)
Customer (To Rachel) Ahh miss More coffee
Rachel Ugh (To another customer that's leaving) Excuse me could you give this to that guy over there (Hands him the coffee pot) Go ahead (He does so) Thank you (To the gang) Sorry Okay Las Vegas
Chandler Okay so I'm in Las Vegas I'm Liza Minelli
End
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[Scene Central Perk Chandler Joey Phoebe and Monica are there]
Monica There's nothing to tell He's just some guy I work with
Joey C'mon you're going out with the guy There's gotta be something wrong with him
Chandler All right Joey be nice So does he have a hump A hump and a hairpiece
Phoebe Wait does he eat chalk
(They all stare bemused)
Phoebe Just 'cause I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl oh
Monica Okay everybody relax This is not even a date It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex
Chandler Sounds like a date to me
[Time Lapse]
Chandler Alright so I'm back in high school I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria and I realize I am totally naked
All Oh yeah Had that dream
Chandler Then I look down and I realize there's a phone there
Joey Instead of
Chandler That's right
Joey Never had that dream
Phoebe No
Chandler All of a sudden the phone starts to ring Now I don't know what to do everybody starts looking at me
Monica And they weren't looking at you before
Chandler Finally I figure I'd better answer it and it turns out it's my mother which is veryvery weird because she never calls me
[Time Lapse Ross has entered]
Ross (mortified) Hi
Joey This guy says hello I wanna kill myself
Monica Are you okay sweetie
Ross I just feel like someone reached down my throat grabbed my small intestine pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck
Chandler Cookie
Monica (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today
Joey Ohh
Monica (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee
Ross Thanks
Phoebe Ooh Oh (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross)
Ross No no don't Stop cleansing my aura No just leave my aura alone okay
Phoebe Fine Be murky
Ross I'll be fine alright Really everyone I hope she'll be very happy
Monica No you don't
Ross No I don't to hell with her she left me
Joey And you never knew she was a lesbian
Ross No Okay Why does everyone keep fixating on that She didn't know how should I know
Chandler Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian (They all stare at him) Did I say that out loud
Ross I told mom and dad last night they seemed to take it pretty well
Monica Oh really so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 300 AM I'll never have grandchildren I'll never have grandchildren was what A wrong number
Ross Sorry
Joey Alright Ross look You're feeling a lot of pain right now You're angry You're hurting Can I tell you what the answer is
(Ross gestures his consent)
Joey Strip joint C'mon you're single Have some hormones
Ross I don't want to be single okay I just I just I just wanna be married again
(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room)
Chandler And I just want a million dollars (He extends his hand hopefully)
Monica Rachel
Rachel Oh God Monica hi Thank God I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are you are
Waitress Can I get you some coffee
Monica (pointing at Rachel) Decaff (to All) Okay everybody this is Rachel another Lincoln High survivor (to Rachel) This is everybody this is Chandler and Phoebe and Joey and you remember my brother Ross
Rachel Hi sure
Ross Hi
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens He sits back down defeated again A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain)
Monica So you wanna tell us now or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids
Rachel Oh God well it started about a half hour before the wedding I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents and I was looking at this gravy boat This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat When all of a sudden (to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry And then I got really freaked out and that's when it hit me how much Barry looks like Mr Potato Head Y'know I mean I always knew looked familiar but Anyway I just had to get out of there and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this and who am I doing this for' (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where to go and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city
Monica Who wasn't invited to the wedding
Rachel Ooh I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue [Scene Monica's Apartment everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on]
Monica Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ and she's really not happy about it
Chandler (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad Decide
Ross (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having
Rachel (on phone) Daddy I just I can't marry him I'm sorry I just don't love him Well it matters to me
(The scene on TV has changed to show two women one is holding her hair)
Phoebe If I let go of my hair my head will fall off Chandler (re TV) Ooh she should not be wearing those pants Joey I say push her down the stairs Phoebe Ross Chandler and Joey Push her down the stairs Push her down the stairs Push her down the stairs
(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers)
Rachel C'mon Daddy listen to me It's like it's like all of my life everyone has always told me 'You're a shoe You're a shoe you're a shoe you're a shoe' And today I just stopped and I said 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe What if I wanna be a a purse y'know Or a or a hat No I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat I'm saying I am a ha It's a metaphor Daddy
Ross You can see where he'd have trouble
Rachel Look Daddy it's my life Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica
Monica Well I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica
Rachel Well maybe that's my decision Well maybe I don't need your money Wait Wait I said maybe
[Time Lapse Rachel is breating into a paper bag]
Monica Just breathe breathe that's it Just try to think of nice calm things Phoebe (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her) bluebells and sleighbells and something with mittens La la la lasomething and noodles with string These are a few
Rachel I'm all better now
Phoebe (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey) I helped
Monica Okay look this is probably for the best y'know Independence Taking control of your life The whole 'hat' thing
Joey (comforting her) And hey you need anything you can always come to Joey Me and Chandler live across the hall And he's away a lot
Monica Joey stop hitting on her It's her wedding day
Joey What like there's a rule or something
(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it)
Chandler Please don't do that again it's a horrible sound
Paul (over the intercom) It's uh it's Paul
Monica Oh God is it 630 Buzz him in
Joey Who's Paul
Ross Paul the Wine Guy Paul
Monica Maybe Joey Wait Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy
Ross He finally asked you out
Monica Yes
Chandler Ooh this is a Dear Diary moment
Monica Rach wait I can cancel
Rachel Please no go that'd be fine
Monica (to Ross) Are are you okay I mean do you want me to stay
Ross (choked voice) That'd be good
Monica (horrified) Really
Ross (normal voice) No go on It's Paul the Wine Guy
Phoebe What does that mean Does he sell it drink it or just complain a lot (Chandler doesn't know)
(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul)
Monica Hi come in Paul this is (They are all lined up next to the door) everybody everybody this is Paul
All Hey Paul Hi The Wine Guy Hey
Chandler I'm sorry I didn't catch your name Paul was it
Monica Okay ummumm I'll justI'll be right back I just gotta go ah go ah
Ross A wandering
Monica Change Okay sit down (Shows Paul in) Two seconds
Phoebe Ooh I just pulled out four eyelashes That can't be good
(Monica goes to change)
Joey Hey Paul
Paul Yeah
Joey Here's a little tip she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red
Monica (yelling from the bedroom) Shut up Joey
Ross So Rachel what're you uh what're you up to tonight
Rachel Well I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon so nothing
Ross Right you're not even getting your honeymoon God No no although Aruba this time of year talk about your (thinks) big lizards Anyway if you don't feel like being alone tonight Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture
Chandler (deadpan) Yes and we're very excited about it
Rachel Well actually thanks but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight It's been kinda a long day
Ross Okay sure
Joey Hey Pheebs you wanna help
Phoebe Oh I wish I could but I don't want to
Commercial Break
[Scene The Subway Phoebe is singing for change]
Phoebe (singing) Love is sweet as summer showers love is a wondrous work of art but your love oh your love your loveis like a giant pigeoncrapping on my heart Lalalalala (some guy gives her some change and to that guy) Thank you (sings) Lalalalaohhh
[Scene Ross's Apartment the guys are there assembling furniture]
Ross (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things using a bunch of these little worm guys I have no brackety thing I see no whim guys whatsoever and I cannot feel my legs
(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase)
Joey I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here
Chandler It's a beautiful thing
Joey (picking up a leftover part) What's this
Chandler I would have to say that is an 'L'shaped bracket
Joey Which goes where
Chandler I have no idea
(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant)
Joey Done with the bookcase
Chandler All finished
Ross (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer She always drank it out of the can I should have known
Joey Heyheyheyhey if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here
Chandler Yes please don't spoil all this fun
Joey Ross let me ask you a question She got the furniture the stereo the good TV what did you get
Ross You guys
Chandler Oh God
Joey You got screwed
Chandler Oh my God
[Scene A Restaurant Monica and Paul are eating]
Monica Oh my God
Paul I know I know I'm such an idiot I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week I mean how clean can teeth get
Monica My brother's going through that right now he's such a mess How did you get through it
Paul Well you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers say her
Monica leg
Paul (laughing) That's one way Me I I went for the watch
Monica You actually broke her watch Wow The worst thing I ever did was II shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel
Paul Ooh steer clear of you
Monica That's right [Scene Monica's Apartment Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing]
Rachel Barry I'm sorry I am so sorry I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on but it isn't it isn't it's about me and I ju (She stops talking and dials the phone) Hi machine cut me off again anywaylook look I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs Barry Finkel but it isn't me it's not me And not that I have any idea who me is right now but you just have to give me a chance too (The maching cuts her off again and she redials)
[Scene Ross's Apartment Ross is pacing while Joey and Chandler are working on some more furniture]
Ross I'm divorced I'm only 26 and I'm divorced
Joey Shut up
Chandler You must stop (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses)
Ross That only took me an hour
Chandler Look Ross you gotta understand between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento You however have had the love of a woman for four years Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out and that is why we don't do it I don't think that was my point
Ross You know what the scariest part is What if there's only one woman for everybody y'know I mean what if you get one woman and that's it Unfortunately in my case there was only one woman for her
Joey What are you talking about 'One woman' That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you Lemme tell you something Ross There's lots of flavors out there There's Rocky Road and Cookie Dough and Bing Cherry Vanilla You could get 'em with Jimmies or nuts or whipped cream This is the best thing that ever happened to you You got married you were like what eight Welcome back to the world Grab a spoon
Ross I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny
Chandler Stay out of my freezer [Scene A Restaurant Monica and Paul are still eating]
Paul Ever since she walked out on me I uh
Monica What What you wanna spell it out with noodles
Paul No it's it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation
Monica Oh so there is gonna be a fifth date
Paul Isn't there
Monica Yeah yeah I think there is What were you gonna say
Paul Well everev ever since she left me um I haven't been able to uh perform (Monica takes a sip of her drink) Sexually
Monica (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God oh God I am sorry I am so sorry
Paul It's okay
Monica I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now Um how long
Paul Two years
Monica Wow I'mI'mI'm glad you smashed her watch
Paul So you still think you um might want that fifth date
Monica (pause)Yeah Yeah I do
[Scene Monica's Apartment Rachel is watching Joanne Loves Chaci]
Priest on TV We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles ChachiChachiChachi Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony
Rachel Ohsee but Joanne loved Chachi That's the difference
[Scene Ross's Apartment they're all sitting around and talking]
Ross (scornful) Grab a spoon Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon Do the words 'Billy don't be a hero' mean anything to you
Joey Great story But I uh I gotta go I got a date with AndreaAngelaAndrea Oh man (looks to Chandler)
Chandler Angela's the screamer Andrea has cats
Joey Right Thanks It's June I'm outta here (Exits)
Ross Y'know here's the thing Even if I could get it together enough to to ask a woman out who am I gonna ask (He gazes out of the window)
[Cut to Rachel staring out of her window]
Commercial Break
[Scene Monica's Apartment Rachel is making coffee for Joey and Chandler]
Rachel Isn't this amazing I mean I have never made coffee before in my entire life
Chandler That is amazing
Joey Congratulations
Rachel Y'know I figure if I can make coffee there isn't anything I can't do
Chandler If can invade Poland there isn't anything I can't do
Joey Listen while you're on a roll if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something (Joey and Chandler taste the coffee grimace and pour it into a plant pot) Although actually I'm really not that hungry
Monica (entering to herself) Oh good Lenny and Squigy are here
All Morning Good morning
Paul (entering from Monica's room) Morning
Joey Morning Paul
Rachel Hello Paul
Chandler Hi Paul is it
(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that they can)
Paul Thank you Thank you so much
Monica Stop
Paul No I'm telling you last night was like umm all my birthdays both graduations plus the barn raising scene in Witness
Monica We'll talk later
Paul Yeah (They kiss) Thank you (Exits)
Joey That wasn't a real date What the hell do you do on a real date
Monica Shut up and put my table back
All Okayyy (They do so)
Chandler All right kids I gotta get to work If I don't input those numbers it doesn't make much of a difference
Rachel So like you guys all have jobs
Monica Yeah we all have jobs See that's how we buy stuff
Joey Yeah I'm an actor
Rachel Wow Would I have seen you in anything
Joey I doubt it Mostly regional work
Monica Oh wait wait unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio at the little theater in the park
Joey Look it was a job all right
Chandler 'Look Gippetto I'm a real live boy'
Joey I will not take this abuse (Walks to the door and opens it to leave)
Chandler You're right I'm sorry (Burst into song and dances out of the door) Once I was a wooden boy a little wooden boy
Joey You should both know that he's a dead man Oh Chandler (Starts after Chandler) Monica So how you doing today Did you sleep okay Talk to Barry I can't stop smiling
Rachel I can see that You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth
Monica I know he's just so so Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco
Rachel Oh yeah
Monica Well it's like that With feelings
Rachel Oh wow Are you in trouble
Monica Big time
Rachel Want a wedding dress Hardly used
Monica I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here Okay Okay I am just going to get up go to work and not think about him all day Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work
Rachel Oh look wish me luck
Monica What for
Rachel I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job things
(Monica exits)
[Scene Iridium Monica is working as Frannie enters]
Frannie Hey Monica
Monica Hey Frannie welcome back How was Florida
Frannie You had sex didn't you
Monica How do you do that
Frannie Oh I hate you I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through Parrot Jungle and you're having sex So Who
Monica You know Paul
Frannie Paul the Wine Guy Oh yeah I know Paul
Monica You mean you know Paul like I know Paul
Frannie Are you kidding I take credit for Paul Y'know before me there was no snap in his turtle for two years
[Scene Central Perk everyone but Rachel is there]
Joey (sitting on the arm of the couch)Of course it was a line
Monica Why Why Why why would anybody do something like that
Ross I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'
Monica I hate men I hate men
Phoebe Oh no don't hate you don't want to put that out into the universe
Monica Is it me Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear
Phoebe All right c'mere gimme your feet (She starts massaging them)
Monica I just thought he was nice y'know
Joey (bursts out laughing again) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line
(Monica pushes him off of the sofa as Rachel enters with a shopping bag)
Rachel Guess what
Ross You got a job
Rachel Are you kidding I'm trained for nothing I was laughed out of twelve interviews today
Chandler And yet you're surprisingly upbeat
Rachel You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale fifty percent off
Chandler Oh how well you know me
Rachel They're my new 'I don't need a job I don't need my parents I've got great boots' boots
Monica How'd you pay for them
Rachel Uh credit card
Monica And who pays for that
Rachel Um my father
[Scene Monica and Rachel's everyone is sitting around the kitchen table Rachel's credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of scissors]
Rachel Oh God come on you guys is this really necessary I mean I can stop charging anytime I want
Monica C'mon you can't live off your parents your whole life
Rachel I know that That's why I was getting married
Phoebe Give her a break it's hard being on your own for the first time
Rachel Thank you
Phoebe You're welcome I remember when I first came to this city I was fourteen My mom had just killed herself and my stepdad was back in prison and I got here and I didn't know anybody And I ended up living with this albino guy who was like cleaning windshields outside port authority and then he killed himself and then I found aromatherapy So believe me I know exactly how you feel
(Pause)
Ross The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'
Monica All right you ready
Rachel No No no I'm not ready How can I be ready Hey Rach You ready to jump out the airplane without your parachute Come on I can't do this
Monica You can I know you can
Rachel I don't think so
Ross Come on you made coffee You can do anything (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from that morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it)
Ross C'mon cut Cut cut cut
All Cut cut cut cut cut cut cut (She cuts one of them and they cheer)
Rachel Y'know what I think we can just leave it at that It's kinda like a symbolic gesture
Monica Rachel That was a library card
All Cut cut cut cut cut cut cut
Chandler (as Rachel is cutting up her cards) Y'know if you listen closely you can hear a thousand retailers scream
(She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer)
Monica Welcome to the real world It sucks You're gonna love it
[Time Lapse Rachel and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day by playing the national anthem]
Monica Well that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash on the couch
Ross No No I gotta go home sometime
Monica You be okay
Ross Yeah
Rachel Hey Mon look what I just found on the floor (Monica smiles) What
Monica That's Paul's watch You just put it back where you found it Oh boy Alright Goodnight everybody
Ross and Rachel Goodnight
(Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her room)
Ross Mmm (They both reach for the last cookie) Oh no
Rachel Sorry
Ross No no no go
Rachel No you have it really I don't want it
Ross Split it
Rachel Okay
Ross Okay (They split it) You know you probably didn't know this but back in high school I had a um major crush on you
Rachel I knew
Ross You did Oh I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother
Rachel I did
Ross Oh Listen do you think and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out Sometime Maybe
Rachel Yeah maybe
Ross Okay okay maybe I will
Rachel Goodnight
Ross Goodnight
(Rachel goes into her room and Monica enters the living room as Ross is leaving)
Monica See ya Waitwait what's with you
Ross I just grabbed a spoon (Ross exits and Monica has no idea what that means)
Closing Credits
[Scene Central Perk everyone is there]
Joey I can't believe what I'm hearing here
Phoebe (sings) I can't believe what I'm hearing here
Monica What II said you had a
Phoebe (sings) What I said you had
Monica (to Phoebe) Would you stop
Phoebe Oh was I doing it again
All Yes
Monica I said that you had a nice butt it's just not a great butt
Joey Oh you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and bit ya
Ross There's an image
Rachel (walks up with a pot of coffee) Would anybody like more coffee
Chandler Did you make it or are you just serving it
Rachel I'm just serving it
All Yeah Yeah I'll have a cup of coffee
Chandler Kids new dream I'm in Las Vegas (Rachel sits down to hear Chandler's dream)
Customer (To Rachel) Ahh miss More coffee
Rachel Ugh (To another customer that's leaving) Excuse me could you give this to that guy over there (Hands him the coffee pot) Go ahead (He does so) Thank you (To the gang) Sorry Okay Las Vegas
Chandler Okay so I'm in Las Vegas I'm Liza Minelli
End
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